It gets familiar with time

"It gets better with time" 

my interpretation of this was that the pain would stop, 

the fear would disappear 

and I could finally sleep through the night without a rerun of the memories that tortured me. 

but that was not the case, 

time passed by, 

but "better" is not the word I would use. 

it still hurt all the same, I just stopped fighting.

Instead I welcomed the pain, 

and the suicidal thoughts that danced in my mind to the rhythm of each tear landing softly on my pillow and the beat of my paplitating heart. 

It's been so long that I know not to entertain the unrealistic idea of healing.

At least not for myself.